OUR BREASTFEEDING JOURNEY

I knew before Rory was born that I was going to breastfeed if physiologically able. I wanted so desperately to provide food for my baby and I wanted to have that bonding relationship. Not to mention, being a nurse I was educated on all the benefits for both mother and baby.

When Rory was born, our midwives discovered he had a pretty horrible tongue tie and if anyone doesn't know what a tongue tie is, it's SUPER common and it's when the lingual frenum (piece of tissue under the tongue) is attached to tight and the tongue cannot move as freely. As the days went on, the pain from the poor latch Rory had was indescribable. It was absolutely horrible and just the thought of bringing him to my breast made me cringe. I was prescribed an ointment by our midwives to assist in healing and in the meantime they were still working out where Rory would have to go to get his tongue tie clipped (the whole process took about a week, and we had to drive to Brampton but that's a whole other story). They recommended I take a break and pump to relieve the pain and give Rory what I pumped in a bottle.

My milk supply had not stabilized and I didn't respond well to the pump so I wasn't pumping much. I realized, at this time that I had to supplement Rory with a bit of formula. When I had this realization, I completely broke down. I was so emotional and I felt defeated. My non-hormonal brain knew there was nothing wrong with giving Rory formula but at that moment nobody could tell me otherwise. 

After the tongue tie situation was sorted (which he handled like a champ), we had a few visits with a Lactation Consultant and we were on the road to breastfeeding bliss. Pumping felt like more of a chore then anything, so I quickly did away with it. I could probably count on both hands how many times Rory has had a bottle in 9 months. I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing but I find simply breastfeeding him much more easier and convenient.

I wanted to write this and reflect because I'm not sure how long this journey will last. Initially my goal was a year, but for now we are just taking it one day at a time.  My body has done an amazing thing for him and I should be thankful that we've come this far. If he didn't want to breastfeed tomorrow, (although emotional) I'd be okay with it. I've learned that in our journey with regards to breastfeeding, goals are not reasonable. I've learned it's a mutual, physiological and very dynamic relationship. It's about comfort, bonding and soothing, it's not just simply about feeding him. Sometimes I catch myself thinking about how much freedom I would have had if I didn't chose to breastfeed, how many events and gatherings I've missed out on over the past 9 months. But then I think, I have been selfish my whole life. It's okay to be selfless right now. We will never get this time back together. Ever. And there is no place I'd rather be. Because everything else can wait, but this simply cannot.

B.

This is not a post to promote breastfeeding, it is simply my feelings and our journey. I truthfully think fed is best. Nobody should feel the way I did when I had to supplement with formula for that short period of time. There is so much pressure from other moms, health care providers, the media and ourselves. Every mom knows what is best for themselves and their baby. I wish I could go back in time and give myself a hug and if that was the road we had to go down, I would have been just fine and my baby would have been fed, happy and healthy.